So, I’m sitting at the bar, leisurely sipping my Grey Goose on the rocks. I had strategically positioned myself within reach of the bar condiments so I could be close to the olives. The bartender had turned his back. The other patron’s eyes were glued to the TV watching the instant replay of the interception.  I was just about to grab a handful of olives/dinner when my concentration was abruptly broken by some guy who starts to walk toward me. The lost, puppy dog look on his face and his slumped shoulders were dead giveaways that this man was in emotional pain. I was pissed because he fucked up a perfectly good opportunity for me to score a handful of olives but I also knew that  if I listened I could get a lot of mileage out of his story. I could just tell he came with a story. I tried to look empathetic and it worked. He sat down and the first words out of his mouth were, “I’m looking for a quiet, shy, wholesome, innocent girl.”  My empathy vanished quicker than an ounce of skunk weed at Snoop Dogg’s house! I’m in the middle of stealing a handful of olives and he’s talking to me about wholesome and innocent? This man is dangerously unobservant! I say to him, “When you say quiet, innocent and shy, do you mean like in a role play situation where you’re my pastor-daddy and I’m your little church girl?” He says nothing. I continue, ” Because if you’re serious about that then you’re full of shit!”

Listen, any man that says he wants a quiet, shy, innocent, wholesome girl really only wants her to appear that way in public, to his friends and to his family. But at home, in the bedroom, she had better be able to suck the chrome off a trailer ball hitch! Either this guy thinks he’s gonna get more women to take the bait using that line or he just has not embraced his inner freak. In either case, I don’t have the time or the energy to educate this type of man. So, ladies or gentlemen, if a man ever says to you that he wants a quiet, shy, innocent, wholesome girl/boy, the required response from you is, “So you don’t want me to gargle your nuts?”